Mother's Day too

As I was reading my daughter's Mother's Day post, and after talking with her last night, I was reflecting on motherhood. I had visions of what motherhood would be like before I ever had a baby. I guess in some ways my visions were accurate. But mostly being a mother was a lot more and a lot less than I thought.

I thought I would love a baby a lot. I really had no remote idea how much I would love my children. There aren't words to describe what "a lot" means when it comes to love for your own child.

I thought that, if I did things right, they would always be "good". Well...I guess it all depends on what you consider to be good. All in all they turned out all right.

I thought that I would always do things right. I learned I'm not perfect and life gets in the way sometimes.

I thought kids would be grown up and I wouldn't ever worry about them once they graduated from high school. I pray every day about someone or something to do with the kids. And I pray that they pray.

I thought that kids would always be the kids and I would always be the adult. I learned as much from them - even when they were very little - as I taught - maybe more.

I thought I would be happy when my babies were all kids. I found I really loved having babies.

I thought being a mom would bring joy. I had no idea how much fun and laughter it would bring.

I thought that, if I did the best I could, they would understand. I found that sometimes they do and sometimes they don't. Sometimes the best isn't good enough.

I thought that, if I made them be accountable for their mistakes, they would grow to be responsible. I was completely right on this one. They are amazing and, at least to a small part, I think it was because I did expect them to be honest and accountable.

I thought that, if I loved science they would too. I think they like it OK and a couple are in a peripheral field but no scientists (yet - I have one in the making in my granddaughter).

I thought it would be easy to have a happy home. It has taken me so long to get to this place the kids are all grown and gone.

I thought that, since I was a good mother and good teacher, I could be a good stepmother. I had no idea that this would be the hardest job of my life.

I thought that being a mother would be a peaceful ride on the slow river. I found it was a raging torrent always going faster and faster with a thunderstorm overhead.

I thought kids would certainly not make the same mistakes I did. Some did, some haven't yet, some may be working on them now.

I thought I would know everything my kids did. Every holiday dinner I learn more things I didn't know and probably never needed to know (you know - the soy sauce on the dining room table as a slip-and-slide?).

I thought motherhood would be one feeling. I had no idea the breadth of feelings it brings - joy and pain, laughter and worry, relief and anxiety, glad they are grown and wish they were still little kids, gratitude and......well, just gratitude to Heavenly Father for wonderful kids who make me proud. Loving, caring, mature, intelligent, responsible adults - the kind of person I wish I was at their age. I was certainly sent some very special spirits. I hope they know that.

Four Years Later

Yesterday was our 4th anniversary. Compared to my friends, many of whom are approaching their 30th anniversary, that is just a baby-step. It is kind of sad that we met so late in life - we certainly would have enjoyed the young-family thing. But better late than never. One of the children says we are now an "ordinary couple" meaning, perhaps, that our rlelationship has degenerated into the humdrum of life. However, we do not feel that way at all. I suppose we are more used to being with each other (although this semester has tested that more than usual) but we are as much in love today as we were four years ago. No, that's not true. The more we get to know each other, the more amazing it is how much we complement each other, and the deeper the love. OK, so now we know the truth - neither of us is perfect. However, given our ages and experiences from the past, we already knew that . The question is never whether someone is "good enough" for someone else - it is whether the other person can live with the particular flaws of the other one. We can live with these. In fact, life is wonderfully good. Sorry kids, I didn't mean to burst your bubble of humdrum with pukiness.

End of Semester Rantings from Carolyn

I guess I just need a place to rant and rave about the end of the semester stress on professors. Students complain and groan over late-night study and cram marathons and paper-writing sessions. As soon as that last final is over - they are GONE! WHOOPEE! It is summer. OK - I remember those days. What a stress it was before that last day. I remember having to take 3 finals and write 2 term papers and do 1 class presentation. It never dawned on me what I left behind. Let me tell you students what is left behind.

I have 19 lengthy research papers to read and grade - about 42 if you count the rough drafts. There were 40 tests to complete grading this week - probably 60 journal articles not counting one class's summary journal articles (there are 40 of those), 40 virtual "babies" to look at, 4 meetings to attend, 1 entire day at the high school to present students' projects to high school kids, 17 oral presentations to watch and grade. And that's just the last 2 weeks. That doesn't count the 18 hours of class time last week, 6 hours this week and the time spent with my online course. Oh, and I need some laundry done and I have to eat and sleep sometime. Every semester I wonder why I don't just lecture, lecture, lecture and then give bubble-sheet tests and be done with it. But I honestly don't think that results in good learning. I love what I do until the last two weeks of every semester. Then I stress out beyond all belief. A colleague of mine looked so stressed I thought he was ill. I understood.

So, students, after taking that last test, writing that last paper, doing that last course evaluation, putting on those shorts and heading south, think about me and all my colleagues knee deep in your work and only until next Tuesday at noon to turn grades in. Now - back to grading.......